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[So this...whatever they had going on, it's complicated. That's what Wally tells himself when their teammates give he and Robin weird looks, when Batman seems like he's glaring even though Wally can't tell the difference between a stare and a glare from old Bats, when his uncle's hand rests on his back and Wally thinks they just have to know.

But he's not ashamed. He's just- he doesn't know how to explain it yet. Parents first. Everyone else second.

They finally got the okay for Robin to spend the night at Wally's, which is a rare occurrence indeed. Unfortunately, Wally's parents aren't home so it's become very awkward. Usually they just hang out, do the same thing they always do with the occasional bout of discomfort but without parents? Well. Wally's not under the delusion that anything's going to happen -they haven't even kissed yet- but it's still- it's weird. It's like back in middle school when he went up to Sandy Hartford's room and he thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend, but apparently you have to clear that with the other person first.

It was. It's weird. Because now he's looking at Dick like he looked at Sandy, and his stomach is in knots like it was with Sandy, but it's different because it's more and that just makes it weirder.]

...Mom just went shopping, there's probably like...Cheetos or something downstairs.

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Nothing the required one-hour sessions with Black Canary won't fix, right? [Wally layers on some lettuce, tomato, more turkey, more ham. Mayo, mustard, bread, start it again all over. Shovel some cold mashed potatoes into his mouth.]

Can still hear those screams echoing in my head though. 'Cause someone screamed for you when you fell; I think it was Artemis actually. Originally I thought it was M'gann but nope, pretty sure it was her. And then Supey yelled at me when I went after you.

And then yours, when you fell. [Wally looks over at Dick, not sharp or accusatory, but knowing. You're not all right. Near death experiences aren't anything new for them, but you fell. Wally's heard your nightmares about falling dude, don't try to brush it off like it doesn't matter.]

But, y'know. [He sniffs and shrugs a shoulder.] Hazards of the workplace. We'll be traumatized forever, probably, but we'll be traumatized together. [He cuts the sandwich in half and stuffs nearly a quarter of it into his mouth.]

Edited 2014-06-15 08:36 (UTC)

[ He had screamed. He'd forgotten that part. Dick grimaces, glancing away from Wally, feeling something like shame. He wouldn't have judged anyone else for it, but... ]

I'm sorry I scared you. [ That's what he settles for, at last, because he can't put together the words for all the complicated things he's feeling just yet. It's a start, though, and he needs to say something to address what had happened, all the emotions that had been running high after his rescue. ]

You're sorr- [Wally cuts himself off with an incredulous laugh, shaking his head. He braces himself on the counter with his hands, hunching his shoulders, staring down at his half-eaten sandwich halves.

It takes him a second to gather himself enough to look back up at Robin.] Are you seriously apologizing? For Harley attacking you, for falling off a building? Why are you apologizing for that?

I mean, it's not like I haven't seen you in trouble before. Hell, you're usually in trouble risking your dumb chicken neck for me, so why would I be worried? You've got no reason to be sorry, you hear me? I'm fine. [wally] Yeah sure, I was scared, who wouldn't be scared? But I'm not scared now, and I won't be scared tomorrow or the day after that. [wally]

'Cause this is nothing new! This is nothing new. So why are you sorry over just more of the same?! [Except it is, because Wally saw the terror on Robin's face even with that mask, even without his goggles, even- And right before Robin reached for him and everything screeched to a halt, right before that Wally had realized with absolute certainty that he wouldn't reach Robin in time. He'd known that he was too slow, that Robin would hit the ground before Wally could get to him, that he needed more time and more room and more stable conditions to accelerate to something faster because he can't do that like the Flash can. He'd have to watch his best friend (more, more, he's more than that you idiot) die right there, ten feet from his fingers because he couldn't pick up the goddamn pace-

Wally shoves his sandwich aside and the plate clatters atop the counter, upsetting the bottle of mustard and scattering a fork. He whirls around and presses a hand to his mouth and his ears ring with the silence.]

...Don't do that. Okay? Just don't.

[ "I'm sorry," he almost says again, but catches himself. Dick's throat aches and his eyes prick with— with what, he doesn't even know, and he doesn't know if it's the right thing to do because he just doesn't do this kind of thing (touching, talking, navigating maturing relationships) but he has to try, right? So he drags Wally into a fierce, slightly awkward hug, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt in his hands and pressing his face against Wally's shoulder. ]

Stop it.

[Wally grabs Robin back in his arms just as tight, just as fiercely, and he presses his mouth to Robin's hair and screws his eyes shut. He sucks in a breath, holds it, lets it go and it puffs little strands on Robin's head that have already started drying from the shower.]

You stop it, [he mutters, but its without venom.] This- it's a big deal. For both of us. For me and for you. Got it?

[ Dick nods, and it's all he can do for a moment, too many unsaid words chasing themselves in circles around his head. He'd almost died, he'd fallen just like his family had fallen and it wasn't courageous, it wasn't dramatic, it was terrifying and he wasn't ready. Not like he'd been in the simulation, on the mothership, when he'd done his duty and Wally had been next to him — he was still frightened then, but he'd been frightened with Wally at his side, and that... that hadn't been so bad. ]

I know it's scary. Watching, when you can't— [ He's nine years old again, and he's watching his family fall— and he presses his cheek against the solid warmth of Wally's neck. ] I didn't want to be the reason. That's all.

[Wally holds him a little tighter, probably too much. His fingers curl around Dick's shirt. Why was it different? Why was it so different.]

Hazards of the job. [Maybe if he keeps saying that, he'll start accepting it.]

It's just the hazards- [Fuck, he can't even finish it. One little fall, one close shave on top of a pile of other close shaves but maybe it's because this one time it wasn't up to the entire team to save each other. Maybe it's because it's just like how Robin said; it was him and Dick and gravity, and that's it.

Wally hides his face against Robin's hair. Robin didn't even die and Wally's seriously freaked out. The way Robin screamed echoes in his head, but more than that it's the way Robin looked at him, in those microseconds between spotting Wally and reaching for him. Robin had looked so- it's probably good Wally couldn't see his eyes with that mask on, because he doesn't even want to think about what he would've seen there.

Wally's eyes are burning so he keeps them shut and damn it, he's being so stupid about this. It's over, it's done, Dick is safe, so why is he still scared?]

I'm- I'm gonna tie a bungie cord to you, dude, [he mutters in a weak attempt for levity. Breaking down is not an option here. Robin's the one who fell. Wally needs to keep his shit together for Dick's sake, at the very least. He can freak out on his own time.]

[ Dick laughs weakly, a little huff muffled against Wally's skin. ]

You can get me one of those child leashes, if you want.

[ He almost wishes Wally would break down, or freak out, or something. It'd give Dick an excuse to admit he's not as okay as he wants to be, either, that he's still on edge and worried about falling asleep because he knows what he's going to dream about. And because he knows it's just as traumatic on Wally's end, or maybe even moreso.

But he doesn't want to drag it out of him, not when it feels like a fight just to get him to open up sometimes. Why does he have to be so stubborn? ]

[Either way, it doesn't get dragged out tonight. Wally just clutches Dick a little tighter, presses his mouth to his temple in a move that's not exactly a kiss and lets him go in favor of more food and small talk. They're exhausted, they should sleep, he's not ready, it's not a big deal, etc.

It's fine. He just needs food and sleep. He can handle it on his own, and then he can help Dick.

...or that's what he tells himself when he locks up on Black Canary, when he plays off the fact that he can't sleep without waking up in a cold sweat, when he looks at Robin and the way he won't stand on ledges anymore and tells himself that he just needs time, they both need time.

He tells himself that all the way up until they have an altercation with the Joker again, when he gets cornered by a couple of the clown's henchmen and one of them throws out a laughing comment about how he thought birds were supposed to be able to fly, and the next thing Wally knows is Conner's arms wrapped around him like steel cables and the henchmen have hamburger for faces, and his gloves stink like blood and he knows he got in something like sixteen punches per face before Superboy intervened.

Aqualad is aghast, torn between worry and disappointment and anger as he reprimands Wally, exclaims how it's not like him to do this sort of thing, and banishes him to the bioship for the rest of the mission.

Wally sits there in the silence, knees up and head hung, because he knows he's at the very least going to be suspended from the team until he straightens his shit out. The idea of being away from Robin during missions though, that's the real punishment. He needs to sort himself out, soon.]

[ Robin can't quite look Wally in the eye after the mission. He knows that any of them could have slipped like that, that they walk a dangerous line and they have to constantly check themselves, but— but it's Wally. Wally, who smiles so easily and laughs like he really means it and gives the best hugs and would do anything for his team.

And Dick knows it's his fault. If he'd been okay, if falling hadn't shaken him up so much, then Wally wouldn't have been on edge and he wouldn't have snapped and— and Dick's his teammate, he's his best friend, he's his boyfriend. And Wally's pushing himself over the edge because Dick screwed up.

He's ashamed and off-balance and not sure at all what to say, and once the mission's over, he slinks away like a wounded cat and heads back to Gotham. ]

[There's someone waiting for him just outside that grungy old photobooth though, and it's not Batman.

Dinah pushes off of the bricks when the light flashes, arms loosely folded as the door creaks open.]

Robin. You've missed a couple sessions. [Her voice is too soft to be accusatory, but too firm to let this slide. By 'some sessions' she means 'most of them,' which surprised her. For being the most secretive of the bunch, Robin always tended to be the one to talk with the least amount of encouragement.]

[ Robin's eyes go wide behind his mask, but he pulls his shoulders up, trying to look at least a little more in control than he feels. ]

I... [ He fidgets, index finger picking at the thumb seam on his glove. She'll know he's lying, and if she's here, she must be concerned. Maybe more than concerned. ]

I guess I've been busy. [ It's unconvincing. ]

Mmm. [Neither a nay or a yay on that. She got excuses ranging from 'sorry Batman needs me' to 'augh homework, raincheck?' but she won't call him out on any of them. That's not exactly conducive to building a trusting relationship.]

Well if you're not busy right now, why don't you walk with me?

[ He considers making another excuse (long night, too tired, gotta cram for a test on Monday) but in the end, he complies. Maybe... maybe he does need to talk to someone. ]

Okay. I have time.

[Turns out "walk with me" means "picking up late night sandwiches and taking them to a nearby rooftop to eat" in Canary speak. She usually isn't so casual with her therapy sessions -she prefers the quiet of a room where she can hear herself think and a place where she can appear both authoritative and open- but Robin seems much more comfortable on the dirty streets of Gotham than he does in the cave right now.

There are probably quite a few reasons for that. She can guess many of them. A change in approach might help him feel more comfortable coming to her.

Either way, she is hungry and her sub crunches between her teeth because she always gets them toasted. She waits until she's eaten a few bites, lets Robin get settled with both the food and scenery before she wraps her food back up and sets it aside, folding her hands over a knee. The heel of her boot taps the wall, feet dangling over the fire escapes below.]

Have you had any progress on sleeping through the night? [As much night as he gets, anyway.]

[ Robin lets his feet dangle over the ledge, swinging slowly. It's only about a one story drop if anything were to happen, and he hates that he notices things like that now. ]

No. I'm still having nightmares. The same dream, just different faces. [ His parents fall while he watches, or one of his teammates slips past his reach, or he falls again and this time he has to watch Wally's face while he... ]

It's... it's stupid.

[ Despite the energy he burned on the mission, his sandwich is mostly untouched. He doesn't have much of an appetite on the best days, but these days it's less than ever. ]

I sincerely doubt anyone would call it stupid. [Dinah pushes her hair back behind her ears when the wind tosses it aside.] Is it the same dream you told me about before?

[ It is stupid, he's supposed to fly, but it's not an issue worth pressing. He doesn't look up to meet her eyes, just watches the street below them. ]

Yeah. Falling.

[Dinah gives Robin a moment to elaborate, but he doesn't seem inclined to continue.]

And you're the one falling in them?

Sometimes. Sometimes it's my friends, or— or other people, they go over the edge, and I can't get there in time, I'm too slow, or the line won't deploy... But now sometimes I fall, and KF can't get there in time, and that's when everything slows down and I have to watch, and that's... that's almost as bad as knowing I'm gonna die.

[ He can feel his pulse elevating, his throat going tight. It doesn't mean anything. He's subconsciously reliving a traumatic experience, and his brain is trying to make sense of those memories. It doesn't mean anything. ]

Dreams don't always mean anything. A lot of the time, it's just your brain doing the same thing it does while awake; obsessing over your fears.

[Dinah draws up her knee and loops her arms around it.]

What would you say your real fear is, based on your dreams?

[ Robin swallows around the tightness in his throat. He knows, or he thinks he knows, but saying it...

He should be fearless. His family was fearless, Batman is fearless. Why can't he get over it? ]

I'm... afraid of being helpless. Of standing by while someone else gets hurt. And I'm afraid that— that if I screw up, if I die, someone else is gonna be messed up forever. They'll have to live with it. And that's gonna be my fault.

[ He thinks of Wally that night, Wally tonight, the way his voice shook and what he did to those people because of him, and Robin feels sick. ]

[Dinah, naturally, knows about what happened tonight. She's going to be talking to Wally later as soon as she's finished here with Robin, but...well. She thought Robin was probably the one more in need of someone to talk to.

He always holds himself to such impossible standards. Being Batman's apprentice is sometimes much more harmful than it is helpful.]

That's an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself.

I'm just being realistic.

[ He didn't put it on himself, the way he sees it. It's just the way the world works, ever since he stood by and watched his family fall. ]

Kid Flash is— h-he's not okay. I don't think he's ever... the simulation was the first time he'd watched anyone, you know, die, and... he didn't talk about it then. But now— I know he's worried, he's terrified, and I— it's crazy, but I almost wish he didn't care so much. Maybe he'd be happier that way, you know?

[ He trails off, the guilt welling up again. ]

You know that's not true.

[Dinah leans forward so she can get a good look at Robin's face. The mask hides his eyes, but the lines around his mouth and between his brows say everything she needs to hear.]

Loving someone is the most wonderful and dangerous thing a person can do. There are risks that run with it, yes, but what Kid Flash did tonight is not your fault. [She sighs, lacing her fingers together in front of her knee again.] Even if he did what he did because of how he feels about you, his actions are still his responsibility. Not yours.

And it may be terrifying, it may open you up to an immense amount of pain [again, she wants to add, because she might not know his backstory but Robin just bleeds with the signs of terrible loss], but sometimes love is the only thing that will keep people like us alive. The only thing that will encourage us to keep going.

It's hard. And I'm sorry you have to go through this, I am. And I know if Batman could take this from you, he would.

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lets mix it up shall we

oh good, adult supervision

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